morganphillipsland

A while ago I devoted a blog post to a list of my 10 fantasy jobs.  Those were simpler times.  Now we’re teetering on the precipice of The Great Depression II, and it’s time to scale back our fantasies.  To dream smaller.  To compromise.

To have to beg our parents for rent money (again) unless we get a job soon.

1. NIGHTTIME SECURITY GUARD

The kind in movies and TV shows who don’t have to do anything except sit at a desk and watch a bank of monitors.  Except they don’t actually watch the monitors, they read a book or take a nap.  So that the hero can sneak past and steal the top secret computer chip.  Or whatever.

2. LIFE COACH

I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure a life coach is just a person who declares themself a life coach, then gets paid for dispensing advice like, “Do what you love,” and, “Set goals and follow through.”  I could do that.  (If anyone reading this is a life coach, and this pisses them off, what better way to prove me wrong than to give me some free, helpful advice?  That’ll teach me!)

3. KEPT MAN

I would have no problem relying on the wealth of a rich girlfriend or wife, as long as they had no problem with it.  I’m modern like that.  Any decrease in self-respect would hopefully be offset by the lack of bills.  And the fine chocolates.

4. JUNK MAN

Find interesting junk, then sell the interesting junk out of a cheap storefront in a strip mall = recipe for happiness and success.

5. GAME SHOW HOST (OBSCURE CABLE CHANNEL)

I’m all about playful banter.  Maybe on the OTB channel, giving the lucky winners day passes to Belmont Park.

6. CAR WASH MASCOT

This list is getting depressing.

7. PAINT-YOUR-OWN-POTTERY-STORE WORKER

I enjoy painting my own pottery.  For about an hour.  So maybe I’d enjoy helping other people paint their own pottery.  Every day.  Over and over again.

8. BOUNTY HUNTER

I’m not that into the whole “tracking down fugitives” thing, but I would get myself really cool business cards.  So there’s that.

9. SUBWAY TRAIN CONDUCTOR

There’s a certain inner child golly-gee factor to this job.  Which must be why the conductors always look so happy when they poke their heads out to yell at people, and why they always sound so contented on the loudspeakers.

10. OFFICE TEMP (WITH STEADY, SOMEWHAT FLEXIBLE, DECENT-PAYING WORK)

Dare to dream.