morganphillipsland

8:20pm EST

Home with the flu. No Oscar party. Shall my awesome (fever-fueled) quips dissolve into thin air? Nay! Let the live-bloggin’ commence!

8:27pm

Regis said, “Xavier Bardem.” That is incorrect. He won’t have a small chunk of his skull blown away for it, though. That’s just the character from the movie. Javier Bardem doesn’t do that in real life. He is a nice man.

8:35pm

If “Michael Clayton” had been about psychos or pregnant teenagers, it would have made the joke writing easier. (Edit, 10:39pm — just realized that Atonement is nominated too, so this doesn’t make any sense. I keep forgetting about Atonement, because it is the exact opposite of a movie that I would like to see. That’s my excuse. Also, the flu.)

8:36pm

- “I was happy to see Atonement nominated…” was obviously the set-up to a joke.

- The Norbit joke! Already!

8:40pm

Do they have the “black people in the audience” camera shot all set up for when the joke about race comes up? Answer: Yes.

8:43pm

I picked Atonement for best Costume Design. Because of the stunning green dress. That they mentioned in the New York Times. 0 for 1.

Best acceptance speech ever. One sentence long? Two?

8:48pm

Clooney handles his sauce well. Did he do the “mammaries/memories” joke? Probably on a dare from Brad Pitt.

8:54pm

Ratatouille. Is that how you spell it? 1 for 2.

“My wife, who I love… and my sons.”

8:56pm

Wow, Katherine Heigl — an old fashioned panic attack. How refreshing and truthful!

Best Make-up, La Vie En Rose. 2 for 3. Amazing work showing Piaf in her “Ronald McDonald” phase, especially.

9:01pm

Props to Amy Adams for singing live. Is she America’s Sweetheart? I lose track of these things.

9:07pm

Just Duane Johnson? No “the Rock” in the middle? Daring.

For f/x I picked Transformers, the one I didn’t see. In retrospect, the polar bear fight was awesome. 2 for 4.

9:11pm

Sweeney Todd for Art Direction. 3 for 5.

I expect Italian award winners to climb around in the audience, kissing people. For future reference.

9:18pm

Somebody needs to do a serious study of Cuba Gooding Jr.’s post-Oscar film choices some day. Not tongue-in-cheek. Seriously figuring out what happened. A guess: Astrological charts were involved.

Bardem for Best Supporting Actor. 4 for 6. I totally went out on a limb for that one, because that’s how I roll.

9:28pm

Kids singing is good.

9:31pm

The Mozart of Pickpockets can go straight to Hell. 4 for 7.

Really, non-English speakers should just do their speeches in their native tongues. Why put that kind of pressure on yourself? French it up, dude. No one will mind.

9:33pm

Madam Toopely-Poppely got robbed. 4 for 8.

Yeah, dude, Peter and the Wolf would have been forgotten forever if you hadn’t done that animated short.

Not that I’m bitter. 50%? Bull.

9:38pm

Thought Tilda Swinton was good in Michael Clayton, but, wow. Is it possible they mistook her for Cate Blanchett? Pale redhead with an accent?

Is that racist?

4 for 9. Oof.

9:41pm

“Stay tuned for Jessica Alba, Miley Cyrus…”

9:45pm

I love the tradition of having hot chicks do the (segregated) nerd awards. Just wanted to go on record with that.

Yay! The “Jack Nicholson still has sex” joke!

9:48pm

That’s right, Coens. Keep it coming. 5 for 10. Back to .500, hooray.

The little Coen is adorable.

9:53pm

Miley Cyrus. Normally I would begrudge her all the success, but I admire the fact that she overcame the seemingly unavoidable “Yes, my dad was the Achey-Breaky Heart guy, please stop beating me up” thing.

10:02pm

Sound editing. Bourne Ultimatum. 6 for 11, baby.

Dude’s earring and ponytail and skinny tie are awesome.

10:07pm

Sound mixing. Bourne Ultimatum. 6 for 12. Thought I’d cracked the Sound Oscars code. Apparently I did not. The sound mixers for No Country were robbed.

10:13pm

Cotillard, baby. 7 for 13.

10:22pm

Once made me fall in love with my tub of popcorn. It didn’t last, but I’m glad it happened.

Whoever insisted on the extra instrumentation for the song should be gently shot.

10:29pm

Bourne for Editing. 8 for 14.

10:32pm

Nicole Kidman is a fat pig. Oh, she’s pregnant? Still. There’s no excuse for looking like that.*

. . .

*It’s wrong to make jokes about women’s weight as a go-to. Lazy comedy. Sexist. But for the sake of clarity, I was being sarcastic. She is very, very skinny.

10:36pm

If I ever get a big award, I hope I am really, really old, so people pay rapt, polite attention.

10:43pm

Penelope Cruz. Two Tom Exes in a row. Coincidence? Yes. Probably. If Mimi Rogers comes out next, we’ll know.

The Counterfeiters? Whatevs. 8 for 15.

10:44pm

Is Patrick Dempsey really “versatile”? Seriously, I’m asking. Maybe he is. He was great in Can’t Buy Me Love.

10:48pm

Some will say that the “So Close” singer dude was bad. I will agree with them. FYI.

10:52pm

Popcorn tub! I miss you. Jesus, I miss you!

Once wins. Phew. 9 for 16.

Travolta’s haircut makes him look like a robot alien magician. Which he is?

10:58pm

Do-over for Marketa (sp?). Awesome, but a dangerous precedent.

11:00pm

There will be a cinematography Oscar. LOLLPEFJ.*

10 for 17.

. . .

*Laughing Out Loud Lacking… no, okay, I made that acronym up.

11:06pm

Didn’t hold their applause during the Dead People Montage, but at least they cut back on the whooping. Baby steps.

11:09pm

Score. Atonement.

Score: 11 for 18.

11:14pm

Freeheld. 11 for 19. Massacre. If I don’t run the rest of the categories, the shame will be deep.

11:17pm

Taxi to the Dark Side. Good for them, with the Discovery channel situation and everything. But bad for me. Bring the shame.

11 for 20. Approaching monkeys with typewriters territory.

11:23pm

Really, Jon? The “Harrison Ford sounds like a car dealership” joke? Okay, then.

Harrison’s not going to be all drugged up like that in the new Indie movie, right? I’ve been purposefully avoiding the trailers for spoiler protection.

11:26pm

Diablo Cody for Juno. 12 for 21

11:36pm

Daniel D-L for There W. B. B. 13 for 22.

Daniel fascinates me. Such an odd and interesting dude. Like a young De Niro, but more focused?

11:43pm

Directing. The Coens. 14 for 23. I’m fading.

11:47pm

No Country For Old Men. 15 for 24. Meh.

Decent telecast. Not much pain. Not much drama. Maybe the flu smoothed out the edges for me. Happy Oscars, everybody.